Un-Porting

On Monday I will have my port removed. This is both a relief and a little scary, as in: will having the port removed cause my cancer to recur? It's a completely irrational fear but the thought of going back into a hospital for any reason makes me remember what it was like to be sick, to feel like throwing up most of the time, to have a cold (because bald) head. This feeling takes over most frequently when I hear music from that time, but also when I have to go back to Ellis Fischel for a checkup or even when I just think about going back, like now. I guess you could say it's like the past has turned into a giant cane and I'm being pulled off the stage of my current life. It happens unexpectedly, like a mini panic attack, and it generally doesn't last long, but I've put off certain things to avoid that feeling.

Anyway, you can see the port here, in a Facebook post from SEPTEMBER when I talked about having it removed. Between my oncologist and my own fear it's taken awhile to get the procedure scheduled. They tell me the actual surgery is quick and easy. So now that it has been scheduled, I am looking forward to it like I'm going to be having an actual day off, a day to relax, because my parents are coming back to drive me to and from the hospital (hooray!) and all I'll have to do afterwards is to sleep off the meds. And I'll tell you what: sleep has been elusive lately. Work is busy, life is busy, and I need a break. So I hope all goes well and I get to just relax and hang out afterwards.

Once the surgery is over and my port is out, I'll be happy not to have that giant wire jutting out of my neck, not to worry about getting it flushed periodically. And of course it's an important step away from the days of treatment. So there's that (but I'm trying not to think about "days of treatment" right now.)

Happy weekend, all, and may all your parentheticals be pithy and well-placed.