Sheesh, more than a few months since I updated, but not much had changed until recently, and really there has only been one significant change that caused others, I think.
Andrew has made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and fallen in love.
He has a busy social schedule now, on top of working quite a bit as an adjunct in different colleges in the area. His girlfriend is a friend who evolved into something more, and it is this relationship which has really changed things. Andrew doesn't want to spend time as a unit of three anymore; he feels that it would be awkward to spend more time with another woman than he does with his girlfriend. So we are trying out something else which is based on our previous schedule:
Mondays & Tuesdays: Jamie stays at my house. Andrew picks up Jamie from school and brings him home. He makes Jamie dinner, then leaves when I arrive.
Wednesdays & Thursdays: Jamie stays at Andrew's. Jamie has piano on Wednesdays and sometimes I join Jamie and Andrew for dinner afterwards, since his lessons are right across from the main library where I work. Sometimes I don't.
Fridays-Sundays: We are still working this out, but generally Andrew picks Jamie up and makes him dinner, then leaves when I arrive on Fridays. Saturdays he arrives at noon to take Jamie to brunch then drops him off later in the afternoon. Sundays are variable but I think Andrew would like to spend time with Jamie on Sunday nights at least sometimes. They might even spend one weekend a month together at his place.
Jamie is adjusting pretty well, with intermittent floods of tears because his dad spends less time with him. Last night, he asked, "why do women date dads with kids?" Obviously Jamie didn't mean "all women," he meant the woman that Andrew is seeing. I explained, as I have many times before, that Daddy needs adult companionship and as much as he loves Jamie, Jamie can't be his girlfriend. I also reminded him that he has always liked Daddy's friends in the past, so even though it doesn't feel that way now, Jamie will probably end up liking Daddy's girlfriend a lot and they will have fun together. And then I asked him how he felt about buying a pre-owned PS4 to replace the one that had broken earlier in the week and we talked about that.
Lest this carefully composed account make me sound too reasonable, let me say that I have been just as angry, frightened, and sad about this turn of events as Jamie. After all, once we had peeled away the illusion that we were a happily married couple, I was delighted to find that a fairly solid friendship remained between Andrew & me, and moreover that we really enjoyed doing things with Jamie as a family. Many people found that weird, and found our setup co-dependent, and Andrew now agrees with that point of view. I am getting with the program as fast as I can. Please send me your good thoughts.
So yes, I do miss my friend, but I love my son more than I miss my friend. The faster Jamie accepts this the better, so I am trying to model my acceptance for him, too.
Dear Noël, you are such an incredible mom. I've been thinking about you a lot, and I'm really sorry this has been so hard. I so wish there were something we could do from a distance (offer you a gin and tonic, maybe?) other than sending intangible thoughts and prayers. xoxox --Tara
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tara. I am enjoying a virtual gin & tonic here at my desk in the library, which is the best kind in this context. Much love to you and Sam and the kids.
DeleteYeah, that's rough - just as you get used to one routine, the fact that you really are not one family anymore, but two, with one "hinge person" in the middle, a child, becomes very real, with real consequences. Jamie's still got two parents who love him, but he's losing a chunk of his dad's time and attention, no way around it. I know another local ex-family that something similar is happening to (there too I know the mom and kid more than the dad), and it's painful for them, too. I've come to think that the divorced-but-not-dating-separately state is not necessarily weird or codependent, but is likely to be temporary and so can't be grasped too tightly. I hope the new state of things eventually turns up some silver linings for everyone.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great observation, Rachel. And I have said to Andrew that I wished he had waited until we were legally divorced, but love is on its own time, I guess. He wasn't expecting it, after all, and he wasn't doing anything wrong.
DeleteI am glad that Andrew is finding his way more and more,but I honestly don't think that spending time with one's child and his mother is "co-dependent." I think it's a necessary way of life. That said, I am sending you as much love and positive energy as I can. I love you, Noel.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Denise. You're probably the strongest single mom I know, so this means a lot to me. Hugs and I love you back.
DeleteI would love to chat over a cup of tea (or something stronger) some time. I have a different perspective, maybe, and it might be nice to reconnect outside a virtual world?
ReplyDeleteThat would be great.
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