Single mom

Me in my Moms shirt.  

Single ish, anyway. Andrew & I have separated and I think we get along much better now than before. I am not sure what he thinks: though the three of us spend lots of time together, he & I don't talk much about the separation anymore. We are sort of treading water, I guess.

In the spirit of being as indiscreet transparent as possible I announced the separation on my Facebook soon after it happened over Labor Day weekend. We worked with a mediator to figure out how to tell Jamie, to pick a time, and to work out a custody schedule (horrible phrase). We haven't discussed divorce in awhile, which bothers me sometimes because I don't want Jamie to be tricked into thinking we're going to get back together; we aren't. The reasons why are complicated, but basically, while we remain amicable and co-parent well, I am done.

Divorce is  traumatic, though, and the separation was traumatic, and cancer was traumatic, and serious, life-threatening mental illness and moving and loss of a tenured professorship were also very traumatic. So we are taking a breather and getting used to the new life.

Jamie was so sad when we told him that it almost makes me cry again to think about it. He has adjusted pretty well, though, partly because of therapy that we have had him in (though intermittently) and partly because we're all together so much anyway.

This is our schedule, and there is nothing like it in our groups of friends or acquaintances that I know of:

Leo atop Mt. Whirlpool.

Mondays-Wednesday mornings: Jamie is with me. Andrew picks him up after Adventure Club, the school district's aftercare program, and they come to "my" house, where he makes dinner for Jamie. He usually makes dinner for the two of us as well and it is often ready when I come home.  Andrew stays for another hour or so, usually leaving around Jamie's bedtime.

Molly getting ready to burn the house down.

Wednesday afternoons-Friday mornings: Jamie is with Andrew. I work late so I don't see much of Jamie on those days. I have some much-needed time by myself and socialize (if I socialize). I have joined a volunteer group, Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense, that focuses on gun safety and it meets monthly, plus sometimes there are other things, like a recent lobbying day at the state capitol. I have reconnected with old friends and we meet up for dinner every so often.

The "Koprivia" constitution

Fridays afternoons-Sunday evenings: Weekend time is still family time. Jamie stays at the house with me and Andrew is there pretty much the whole time. We go to movies (recently we saw Hidden Figures). We visit with Andrew's sister and brother-in-law. I have asked to have a weekend by myself at some point. I really want to finish unpacking and hanging pictures and I'd like to do it without any distractions, though our two young cats, Leo and Molly, will make that a challenge.

Recently Jamie made a family constitution for my house and said he would make another family constitution for Andrew's apartment (though I think he will forget). He called it the Koprivia constitution, combining most of my surname with a little of Andrew's. I think the one at Andrew's place would be called Mulvanva or something similar to denote that Andrew is the "owner" there and I am the owner at my house.

But the three of us are still a family, albeit in a different configuration. A few weeks ago Jamie asked me how I felt about Andrew (in front of Andrew, I should add.) I said, "I feel like your dad is a really good friend." Jamie said, "Is that all?" And I said, "Yep, that's all, honey, but many separated parents aren't friends at all. We're lucky." He didn't believe me until I named an example of a couple we know who are barely speaking, and then he did. I think he hoped that I would say, "I really love your dad" or something similar, so he was disappointed, but not devastated.

Back to the schedule: even though our goal was for him to spend every other weekend at each parent's house, Jamie prefers to spend most of his time at my house, and since it doesn't bother me too much to have Andrew around (and when it does, I ask them to leave for an hour or two,or I leave), we have a schedule that is unconventional but that seems to work for us pretty well. Probably the fact that Jamie is an only child is a big part of why we can still be together so much.

I'm okay with this arrangement for now because for one thing, Jamie doesn't take many baths at his dad's place and I want him to be clean, and for another, I am really ready to see him on Friday after not having seen him much, or sometimes at all, on Wednesday evenings and all day Thursdays.  If Andrew buys a house, Jamie might feel differently; he just doesn't love the apartment. But we'll see.